first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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