i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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