Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
