Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Randomize
