Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
