just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
