How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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