So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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