she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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