I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize