Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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