Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
