new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I just found a bag of teeth...
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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