Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
