i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
