I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Randomize
