Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
