she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
