I'm so fucking centered right now
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
as a side note pls kill me
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
