I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
