:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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