Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Drake has all the answers
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Randomize
