You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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