How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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