I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
