I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
