I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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