Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize