i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Randomize
