Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
