I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
