batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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