i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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