yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.