My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Blow job season was short but glorious.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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