so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
