why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
