I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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