who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
