My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
