i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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