i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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