they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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