they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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