I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize