He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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