Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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