You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
