They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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