OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
