My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
