I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
