...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
