I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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